My love… I just want to know that you’re alright… My alcoholic…

괜찮아요?

한 사람을 사랑하는 걸 왜 그리 힘들까? 그 사람을 사랑하는 사람들이 때문에 날 힘들게 하는구나…

나… 당신을 계속 사랑하고 싶습니다…

Caution: It’s Super LONG!

Concert Stage
The concert stage was designed in such a way that there’s a main stage, one main extended stage and 2 side extended stages as well as a another extended portion in the middle and right at the end of it. In short, it is a huge square boxing with a cross stage in the middle. On each side of the 2nd portion of the extended stage, there’s an inflated platform which acts like a sub stage for the main stage. I saw that there were stairs that leads down to the mosh pit and for a second I thought they were going to go down to “greet” the fans. How dangerous!

Concert Seats
First of all, I am very glad that the whole venue was so filled with fans and almost all carrying a red lightstick which lights up the whole arena in red. Level 1 is only made up of VIPs - seated beside the consol system and 4 mosh pits, level 2 the 4500 baht and 5000 baht tickets and the rest of the section is at level 3. There were helpful staff. There are Korean, Japanese majority Thai, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia and more~ fans at the arena! World JYJ fans gathering here!

Concert Adverts & Banners
There were a lot of concert adverts and banners both inside and outside the arena. At the main “gate” before entering into the arena, there was a huge JYJ in Bangkok Concert poster. Fan-made banners from over many countries can be found at Level 1. Inside the concert hall, there were at least about 10 banners by fans. There were also fan chants by fans and 411 Entertainment too! I’m so happy they put in so much efforts to make it such wonderful memories for both fans and JYJ.

Concert Stereo Sound System
Basically, I do not like the volume(?) of the sound system because most of JYJ songs are fast tracks and most of the korean songs have heavy beats. With that sound system, it makes it hard for me to be able to listen to their vocals. I realize I hate the bass from the sound system right at the first song that kicked off the whole concert.

JYJ Enterance
When I was seated at my seat, I started to glance around the area because I had so much expectation in the whole staging - JaeJoong oppa was the main director for the whole concert. I had to admit my expectation for the whole concert was indeed very high. On the main stage, there were 3 transparent boxes placed right in the middle of the stage. It was very obvious that that was going to be the way they will be entering into the concert. Thus making me feel excited about what the first song will be. (Note: I had no idea of the song list. I don’t wish to know either.) The concert didn’t start officially until 20 minutes pass the official time. But the wait was all worthwhile. The fans started to cheer to get JYJ on stage and getting all excited. The concert kick off with an introduction video to the concert. It was basically images from their “The Beginning” hair styles and outfits. The background music of the clip manage to hit up the atmosphere a little.

Empty
It’s one of my favourite song from their English album because of the lyrics. I think they chose the right song to start off. It really get the fans high. I also realized that they changed a little of their style in singing the song. It was different from the album. That was good and kinda unexpected. But because of the sound system, the background of the music was actually louder than their vocals. But I wasn’t disappointed or anything because their vocals are great. Throughout the song, they have been moving around the main stage and making full use of the boxes by going in and coming out. At the end of the song, they were few steps off the main stage.

I deal scenario
The second song is a korean song, also a fast track. There were lasers which I thought suits the atmosphere and pace of the song. For this song, they started travelling down the middle extended stage. And, of course they didn’t fail to get fans at the most pit all excited because of that. At the end of the song, they were at the end of the extended stage. Somehow, the bass for this song wasn’t as bad as Empty. I was able to hear their lyrics perfectly. Maybe because it was in Korean? I don’t know.

Pierrot
For this song, they were standing on an inflated platform on the main stage. They wasn’t moving much and they can’t either but it that didn’t stop them from putting all that passion into performing this song. Although it wasn’t hard to hear their vocals but the bass was just too loud. That was how the song is anyways.

Chang
It was just a short verse that JaeJoong sang. Many fans were anticipating it. Junsu and YuChun were looking at JaeJoong when he was singing the song and all 3 of them smiled. I need to say, JaeJoong cheated! He was supposed to sing the whole small verse of that 1 minute song but he only sang a couple of lines and passed it on to fans. Did he forget the lyrics? Maybe he did, because his smile gave him away.

Be My Girl Flash Mob
This song started out with the normal version for one verse and then it changed to the remix version. Fans were to do flash mob with them during certain parts of the song. The members moved down towards all sides of the extended stage to get fans to dance along. I’m sorry that I didn’t dance along because I seriously had no time to practice at all. I’m guilty, yes. But JYJ was totally excited about the flash mob dance, especially Junsu!  As usual, Junsu was sexy with his dance. They were actually playful with the music and dance. Getting all hyper.

Be the One
They were basically singing and dancing to the whole song on the main stage and from time to time, there were special effects. And JaeJoong did a stare into the camera, acting cool? which got fans screaming. He succeeded if he really did want that.

Ayyy Girl
This song was performed with 6 of their male dancers. Nothing to pick on about their dance moves. I need to say, compared to before, JaeJoong’s dance did improve over the past year especially. But sometimes, he need to stop staring too much at the ground. Maybe he was looking for marks on stage? They started moving to the other parts of the stage during the rap in the middle. And Junsu was dancing passionately. Again, this song showcased how good they are dancing and singing at the same time - their stamina built up over the years.

Micky Solo - I love you
Flowsik was there as guest appearance! Totally didn’t see that coming! (I didn’t check out the news. Or rather, I couldn’t be bothered.) There were 2 huge cages on the stage. The dance was totally sexy. YuChun danced with their female dancers and it was just so sexy that I bet many fans were jealous about their dancers! The part when he was singing right at the middle of the extended stage and 4 female dancers surrounding him dancing were just so intense. He was singing with so much passion trying to protray the lyrics of the song. It was good performance.

There was a special performace by JYJ’s dancers which JYJ prepared and rested for the next song. The special performance arrangement was great!

Mission
The song started with people playing drums and then in comes the music. Somehow, i love the bass from the stereo for this song. The intro dance was a great performance. Junsu was in the middle. I must say, his dance always surprises me. He always gets better. There was laser show for this song as well which fits perfectly to the atmosphere. I, personally, don’t like the song in the album but it sounds great live. This song is supposed to be sung live. I love Yuchun’s rap! It is actually difficult to sing and dance at the same time to such a song but they, JYJ, managed! Those were powerful dance moves.

Junsu Solo - I can soar
Junsu’s english did improve! I feel the need to credit him for that! Somehow his voice was a miracle that I heard his vocals so well as compared to the background music. It wasn’t easy because it would be obvious for a slow song if he didn’t get his pronounciation right! If he sounded so in a huge concert arena, I can’t image how good he could sound in an enclosed small area.

JaeJoong solo - Still in Love
Another favourite of mine from their english album because of the lyrics. This boy, he really knows how to get close to fans. He appeared on the last extended stage. And danced in some parts with female dancers. He protrayed the song somewhat different from the album. He surprised me. He took of his jacket in the middle of the song and danced with another female dancer which resulted in ear deafening screams. He’s the most popular in Thailand afterall - but he always claim he wasn’t.

Nameless Song
I was very much taken aback when YuChun came out rapping. It didn’t hit me when JaeJoong started the song. I thought it was a new song. YuChun started rapping at the main stage then he moved down the extended stage. Then a sofa appeared right in the middle of the extended stage. I wonder if JaeJoong was the one who planned that. YuChun sat down at the white sofa and rapped a verse. It was perfect setting. The harmony of JaeSu’s voices with YuChun’s rap for the singing parts was just so nice that the song was sang live. They were totally engrossed in the song. And it is so obviously all 3 of them put in so much efforts to sing this song to fans. I almost cried out at the song. I bet so many fans out there would have wanted to hear this song live. But if only non-korean fans remembered what all the lyrics were all about.

Found You
I was totally expecting this song. They started walking around the extended stages to make full use of it. There were a lot of fan interactions with this whole song. JYJ was waving non stop and staring at fans in all directions. Especially so for the part “I love you…” for the lyrics. They were playful with the ending of the song. I could see JaeJoong grinning.

Fallen Leaves
My favourite song out of the whole album because of the lyrics and composition. The bass wasn’t as loud because of the background music. Their vocals were very clear. The fans were cheering out to each member as they took turns to sing. But I wondered were they able to hear it? I need to praise Junsu for his vocals in this song. Hearing the song live means so much to me. I am able to appreciate the song every better now. Because their live really touches. Of course it was also because I understood the lyrics perfectly. For this song, they started walking around the outer circumference of the stage. Starting to make full use of the stage design. I had really high expectations for this song sung live and they really live it up!

Four new Korean Songs
The songs were composed 2 by JYJ and 2 by another composer. I love all the 4 songs that were sang yesterday. And especially so for the lyrics and how meaningful they are. They were all songs from JYJ to fans. I believe so. The 4 songs are of 4 different genres and they lyrics were well-written. It gave me the feeling that it was well prepared over time and not rushing into the preparation of the songs. Thumbs up for that! But one thing i want to point out is, it’s a new song and there were no lyrics provided. So, even if fans want to understand what JYJ was singing, they couldn’t. And maybe because they couldn’t, they weren’t able to appreciate the song as much as people who understood Korean. Had lyrics were given out or maybe put on sceen, fans were have been able to make translations and help other fans to understand what exactly they were singing.

Encore song - Empty remix

Overall
I really need to give credits to JYJ for making this whole concert such a success. Bangkok Day 1 was the first start and through their performance, I can see how desperately they wanted to stand on the stage and sing for fans. They were in very good conditions. There were still quite a number of empty seats left even 2 days before the concert. But fans were rushing to get tickets at the venue itself thus making it a full house. You really need to watch this performace live. They really did make improvements over the past year and you’ll need to see and judge it yourself. You’ll regret not going. JaeJoong must have felt so stressful and excited about his first project as a concert director. I believe fans reaction and the atmosphere that night was the best answer for him.

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t know what to believe in anymore. You’re hurting me and you don’t realize it. You’re protecting your friends instead of people close and dear to you like being an alcoholic so drunk…

Why are you ignorant to our feelings? You doing all this for them but what about people who stayed by your side? Is that what you wanted to achieve from all these? Tell me… Because I don’t seem to understand you any more. We’re like drifting apart…

Why do you insist things have to go your way? Why do you have to make it difficult for him? Just because you want the best for your friends, you end up not being able to do anything for them. I can willingly do anything for you… But can you think about my feelings before you act or say anything? I feel really hurt this time round…

I’ve always been looking forward to see you yet we seem to be so near yet so far. Because of what you willfully want to do, it forms a bridge so long between us I can never see what’s at the other end. Just like walking through a dark and unwinding tunnel, not knowing it’s ending and fear makes me want to head back to the start.

Isn’t this a new start? Then why are you holding on to everything in the past? As much as I tried to block everything for you, I’m getting listless and pondering if I’m on the right path. I remember why I fall in love with you but I can’t seem to find back the same feelings anymore. Tell me… What should I do?

Getting to see your friends is more important than thinking only to give them the best. Do you sometimes realize it’s you that they want to see? Their wish is just that simple…

You are not entirely to blame that your friends can’t see you. But your actions and mentality are part of the reason why. How can I enlighten you?

I want to continue to believe in you… To love you… To trust you…

I really do… My Alcoholic

There are just so many things that’s going on in my life recently there’s making me physically tired. There’s no way I can stop it no matter how hard I try. Issues that wasn’t arise because of my mistakes become my fault and I’d be blame for it. Clearing up the shit that people left behind. One two issues once in a while is fine. But why is it all coming all at once?

You said you want yo oversee the whole thing because you know what’s best for us. But don’t you think you’re rushing through all these? What do you know about all these coordination that makes you think you can do a good job? You haven’t any experience in this at all and you’re stepping in. Have you wondered what kind of consequences it will cause for you to be doing all these of your own accord? What do I have to worry like a fool? Sometimes and many times i think these days that if you aren’t in my life… If you aren’t part of my life, I could have been much happier now. You aren’t to blame. I just love you too much maybe it’s time I let go of myself and you.

I don’t believe that that’s the reason why. What is it that you want to achieve? What greed is that they can’t satisfy your needs? You want the best of everything but can you afford that now? You’re like a kid who don’t think of the whole big picture before doing anything and you don’t think of the consequences.

Are you purely innocent or dumb stupid? I want to protect you within my means but you are flying out of my sight. I’m losing you and I hate that uneasiness and fear. I can’t read you.

I hate this chapter of my life thoroughly. People who don’t understand. People who mess up my life with their mistakes. People who I love so much who put a smile on my face is stealing them away now.

Walk of life, you say.

perhaps…

I had booked a flight to get me to Vancouver and I had to transit at Hong Kong. The moment I landed in Hong Kong, I was in a dreamy state. I needed some coffee. I have done all my readings for the next meeting and I had to wait about 1 hour for the next flight. So I decided I would drop by Starbucks first to grab a cup of hot coffee and head of to the book store to shop for a decent book.

There were groups of people rushing around seemingly to be searching for something in particular. Or perhaps, they were just rushing to board a plane. But for whatever the reason, my brain juice couldn’t let me go further to think more into it. I was so busy I couldn’t even remember what date exactly it was today. I walked into Starbucks, surprised to see that it was quite bare. I made a quick order and headed out, walking towards the book store. I was so familar with the airport because I was there several times. Barely 2 minutes I walked and I took the first sip of my coffee; forgetting that it was hot. I was scalded so it shook me up from my daze and I realized that I had fogot to grab some napkins. Frustrated, I head back towards Starbucks.

I took a step in and I heard a voice so familar.

Micky: Hyung, you want some coffee? It’s still a long wait for our flight.
Jae: hmm…. what about Junsu?
Su: let me see…
Jae: manager hyung, we’ll get you some coffee?
Manager hyung: I’ll get for you. What do you want?
Micky: no it’s okay. I can get it myself.

[the conversation continues…]

The shop assistant recognised me.

Shop: How can I help you?
Me: Oh no… I scalded myself and guess I forgot some napkins. I think I’ll seat and finish my coffee. Can I get a cake?

I ordered my cake so I had a reason to be there longer. They didn’t think I was a fan because I had acted normal. I tried so hard to be normal but it was really difficult to surpress that kind of excitment.

It was after 10 minutes that they decided what they wanted. I guess they really do have much time left for their flight. I remembered I took the longest time ever to finish my cup of coffee and cake. And I even regretted that I didn’t get a grande size! I was sitting back facing them at first. Then I switched around to the seat opposite. Making it seemed like it was uncomfortable. I wanted to look at them, hear them.

After I switched, I took out my phone, pretending to be checking my mails.

Me: Is there wireless here that I can tab to?
Shop: yes, it’s…..

And of course, being a fan, I took pictures but not under a single suspicion that I was a fan. It wasn’t as clear for a iPhone camera but I was satisfied. I started playing around with my phone and listening in…

Jae: I didn’t get much of a sleep yesterday.
Micky: why?
Su: why not? I slept quite well…
Micky: something’s on your mind?
Jae: not exactly…

I wanted to know why…but he’s not continuing his story!

Micky: you’re thinking about something again?
Jae: it’s more of work actually…

Like he wasn’t ready to share, he changed to another topic.

Jae: I didn’t realize we’re so popular here.
Su: hmm… our popularity is quite intense looking at those fans.
Micky: yeah.. it’s quite.. scary sometimes… those kind of fans..

I knew exactly what kind of fans they are referring to. We just love them too much we didn’t realize it ourselves sometimes.

Manager Hyung: it’s almost time…
Jae: do we need to go now?
Manager Hyung: it’s quiet here but can be chaotic outside. We can wait a little more and head there when we can board.
Jae: we reached a little earlier this time.
Micky: yeah we did so we had coffee time…

…

There were many negative news about him that happened recently. But luckily, he didn’t seem at the least affected by it. He was suddenly schedule to shot a commercial for Nature Republic. But as it was still Spring in Korea, it didn’t match with the new concept of the commercial that was to be released during Summer. He was to go to Singapore.

It wasn’t much of a coincidence, or perhaps was it. There was an urgent meeting in Singapore that I am required to attend and I was to fly in to Singapore 3 days before his scheduled flight. I had come to know of his flight details through a close friend of mine. In my heart, I was praying so hard that I could get to catch a glance of him in Singapore.

3 days have passed since I arrived. It was time for me to leave for a meeting in Japan and his flight was scheduled to arrive 2 hours before I depart. It wasn’t a coincidence. I checked in at the counter and heard crowds of cheer from the level below. Needless to know, it was his fans. I ignored it. But I couldn’t ignore the anticipation I had in me. I was nervous.

I went to grab a bite at my favourite Starbucks Coffee and went in 1 hour later.

Me: His flight should have touched down by now.

I said that without realizing I was talking to myself. But my anxiousness washed over the embarrassment which I failed to realize at the very moment. I was walking around the Duty Free shops and I stopped in front of the alcohol section. I remembered that he, like me, loves to drink. I packed my trolley near the exit of the toilet and went it to shop around with my wallet and passport.

I grabbed 2 bottles of wine when I realized that I barely had an hour left. I was queueing up to pay behind a man who is at about 10cm taller than me. I overheard his conversation with the cashier.

Cashier: Sir, are these the 2 items that you want. Anything else.
Man: …… how much?
Cashier: we have a promotion… if you… (the lady tried to explain)

The man started to look around seemingly to be looking for a friend. He turned. I saw him. It was him. My heart skipped for a moment. I didn’t recognised his voice. My thoughts were elsewhere, thinking what could he have walked to—-immigration or baggage pick up…

He looked lost. But help was not there.

Me: Shall I help you with it?
Jae: Yes, please.

The cashier started explaining again. And I translated the exact same words into Korean.

Me: She needs your passport and boarding pass for payment.
Jae: oh, alright.

He passed me his passport and the already used boarding pass. I was tempted for a moment to flip open to see. But I resisted the temptation.

Cashier: I’m sorry, madam. This shop is only for departure. For arrival, he will be able to get it at the other area.
Me: oh, right!

Dumb me! I have been travelling around for so many times yet for that moment, it didnt cross my mind that he needs a depature boarding pass to get the alcohol.

Me: It seems like you’re unable to get those drinks here. You can only get it at the arrival hall which is at the next level.
Jae: oh, really? It’s such a pity. I saw the same one in Incheon but because of Manager Hyung, I couldn’t…

He started to explain.

Jae: Anyways, thank you for your help!

Once again, his killer smile flashed across his face.

I forgot that I’m in a rush and I need to pay for my bottles of wine…

It was barely 2 months after I come back from Rome. I was riding the subway back home when I received a call from my all-time good friend, Dia. Over the phone I could feel her excitment but I couldn’t make out what she was trying to convey because of the bad reception underground.

Me: Dia, I’m reaching my stop in a while. I can’t make out what you’re saying. I’ll call you back in 5.
Dia: What? You *@##@)& hang #*@)(# now?
Me: Call you back!

I knew. There’s something in my mind that tells me it’s unusual for her to be this excited. What is it that’s going on? It wasn’t even 2 minutes and I reached my stop. In that short 2 minutes, I have at least a 100 thoughts that flashed through my mind.
I didn’t even wait until I get out of the subway. I didn’t wait for the receiption to come back and I started on my phone already.

Beep… Beep…

Me: Come on! Pick it up now! Dia… where are you?
Dia: Hey cutie pie! I’m so excited! I heard @#@$@^R(*))&)@ concert in Bangkok.

Dia had spoken a huge amount of unimportant stuff to me which obviously I failed to catch. The only thing I remembered was her telling me about a concert in Bangkok.

Me: What has a concert in Bangkok has got to do with me? You know I just came back…
Dia: NO!NO!NO! Girl, you gotta go! It’s him! Don’t you want to hear him live again?
Me: Him? Kim Jae Joong?!

I didn’t realized that I was speaking in a high pitch tone in such excitement that everyone in front had turned to look at me. I blushed and walked towards the other end of the train.

Me: You serious? He’s going to have a concert in Bangkok? When is that? Oh shit! I better have enough money to fly me there. What about mom? What should I say? Oh no.. Dia!
Dia: I’ve already look through all that. All we need to do now is get tickets during the pre-sale! And why wouldn’t your mom allow you to go? You have me with you, dear!
Me: Dia, I love you a bunch! I really do!

===============================================

[Music and singing at the background]

Me: Dia, what time do you think they will end their rehearsal?
Dia: No idea. But it’s almost 10pm. They should be ending soon.
Me: I hope they have sufficient rest for tomorrow’s concert.
Dia: Silly! Is that what you should be thinking of now?
Me: Is it not…?

I was being ignore by Dia for being silly once again. But nevermind, the anticipation that I have in my mind now rules over everything else. Much that I want a perfect performance from them, I want them to be at perfect condition.

The music stopped. People waiting outside were anticipating them to be out very soon. But, it was also during that period of time when I needed to use the toilet urgently. The toilet was at another side of the stadium just a few steps away.

I didn’t realized that there was another enterance to the stadium at this exit. I went in the toilet and was out in barely 5 minutes. I didn’t want to miss the chance to catch a glimpse of him. I stepped out of the toilet and 3 other ladies entered. They were talking in Korean. I realized that they were their dancers and was talking about him. I rushed out. Something that has stopped in front of me has blocked my view of what’s in front. It was the high beams of the car. I stressed my eyes so badly to make out what’s in front. At that moment, 1 broad figure walk passed me, followed by another 1 and then 2 and 2 more. I tried to move out of the beam to catch who were those people. He was walking behind the crowd with their manager.

His skin was a perfect white under the strong beam of the lights. His hair was a shiny black, straight and neat. He smiled.

Jae: It’s already 10.30pm. It’s dangerous for a lady to be alone at this time.

I didn’t realized he was looking at me and speaking to me.

Jae: Hello? You heard me?
Me: huh? Oh… oh… my friend… (I pointed towards Dia’s direction)
Jae: *smile*

He smiled at me while walking away.

Me: I’ll be at the concert tomorrow!
Jae: See you tomorrow!

He smiled his usual smile that shows his perfect white teeth and board the car.

I stood there in a daze, unable to make out what exactly had just happened.

I had met him… for the second time… And, we exchanged conversations.

I was a long time fan of Kim Jae Joong. But I have never for once think that I can ever meet him; not this way. It was hard to get tickets to his concerts. Thus, I was able to go to only 2 of his concerts. Out of the 2, none of it was in a good seat that I can see him closely. But I was satisfied just to hear him sing.

I and another good friend of mine, Ju went to Rome for the first time ever. We were jest with curiousity about the place that we’ve always wanted to set foot on. It was summer but it was pretty windy. It wasn’t as hot as we had imagined to be.

There were many places that we had planned to visit and one of it, is that of a church in Rome. I was never interested about churches but I came across this particular church on a cultural book and had always wanted to see it. We saw some interesting handicrafts at a store and decided to check it out.

Me: Ju, I think I accidently left my notes at the restaurant we ate earlier on.
Ju: Why are you so careless? Let’s go back and get it.
Me: It’s fine. I can go alone. You look around the place here and get me a couple more nice shots.
Ju: You sure about this?
Me: It’s very near. I will be back in less than 10 minutes.

With that, I started running towards the direction of the restaurant. To me, photo diaries meant anything more than just plain memories and words. The restaurant is at the opposite direction that I was heading and so was the church. It was at that church that I met him for the first time. He wasn’t alone.

I saw him walking out of the church at the staircase and somehow my footsteps slowed and came to a halt. Many people were around, fans perhaps; fans like me. He was with his members, Kim Junsu and Park YuChun. I couldn’t help but stare at the trio. There were flashes of lights shooting from everywhere. People were taking pictures.

I scanned around my environment and somehow my gaze stopped at him. He was staring at me. I wasn’t dreaming. He was looking at my direction. I looked around me and realized that everyone around me was making space for them to pass. I stood there for another couple of seconds. He was in his blond fuzzy hair which looks a mess yet so suitable for him. He wore a white singlet with a red checked long-sleeve shirt and his usual kind of jeans. My gaze didn’t shift from him. We were staring at each other’s direction for only a short few seconds but so many things has gone through my mind.

I manage to get my senses back and continue to head towards the restaurant… 

Emotionally unstable. So many things I want to spilt out but I shall not. Stay calm hye!!